God’s Call to Fathers (and Mothers) Under the Lord Jesus Christ
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise),
3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord - Ephesians 6:1-4
By my brother’s estimate I wrote these verses thousands upon thousands of times growing up so I am somewhat of an expert on them in a certain sense. When I was in trouble writing these verses was a frequent consequence. In the moment then I was often annoyed and angry. Now decades later I praise God for it and have used this at times with my own children! Brothers in Christ who are called to be fathers we must be those who glorify God and take Ephesians 6:4 with the utmost seriousness. Read this verse from the Lord to us and pray through it:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:4
We are called to the head of our home under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. We must not be like apathetic Adam who was with his wife but not really with her and certainly was not protecting her or loving her. We must be prayerful and proactive and men who without shame read, pray and sing the Word with our families. Husbands, lead your wives and children in this and when you are away make sure your kids know to give their full attention and respect to their mother as she leads if/when you are away.
Brothers remember throughout church history a man could actually be put under church discipline if he refused to faithfully lead family worship. While some things will look different in our homes depending on stage of life, health, work, etc. some things will remain the same—our children need peace with God through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Our children need to fear God and turn away from evil. They need to repent of their sins and treasure Christ. They need the help of the Holy Spirit and the guidance of the Word of God. So let us give them Christ and be the chief theologians and chief repenters in our homes. Let us model sacrificial love and service and be diligent in the task of raising our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord!
On Sunday I read off a few ways fathers can provoke their children to anger from John MacArthur’s commentary (and a few I added inspired by his list). I am sure there are many more but here are a few of them. Fathers [and you as well mothers] can provoke their children to anger by:
1. Well-meaning overprotection
2. Favoritism
3. Pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds
4. Discouragement
5. Failing to sacrifice for our children and making them feel unwanted
6. Failing to let children grow up at a normal pace
7. Using love as a tool of reward or punishment
8. Physical and verbal abuse (taken from MacArthur’s 1986 Moody Commentary set pages 317-319)
There are no doubt others we could add to this list. For example, our children can be provoked to anger when we are:
9. Ignoring our children;
10. Refusing to discipline our children;
11. Not loving and caring for our wives faithfully and in a God-honoring way in front of our children;
12. Refusing to protect their minds and hearts in a biblically faithful manner.
On this twelfth one, I have heard directly from adult children (and on more than one occasion) their clear resentment towards their parents for their parents’ indifference about what they as children watched and listened to growing up. And I have heard resentment towards parents from their kids who expressed disdain at their parents indifference even towards friends and significant others they had growing up.
20 He who walks with wise men will be wise,
But the companion of fools will suffer harm. - Proverbs 13:20
Below are a few quotes and resources on family worship I pray bless you:
“Some lessons I have learned along the way with family worship…1. Be simple: read the bible pray, sing, use a good catechism; 2. Be flexible-disruptions happen, do what you can; 3. Be consistent-find the best time in your family life and stick with it, 4. Be hopeful-Spurgeon said it was prayers he remembers his mother praying for him as a child that were instrumental in his conversion; 5. Be resourceful-there are many wonderful resources available to help with family worship today. Use them. Ask friends and share your convictions and goals for suggestions.” -Dr. Tom Ascol
“My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do: I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family, instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.” -anonymous father in John MacArthur’s The MacArthur New Testament Commentary (1986)
A few great articles from our friends at Founders that I and many others have been blessed by:
“Why Practice Family Worship?”
“Being the Smile of God to Your Children”
My wife Kaiti passed along this wonderful podcast full of wisdom based on an older article from Dr. Joe Rigney
In the podcast, Rigney packs in a lot of wisdom. One highlight is a threefold prayer with what Rigney calls a gospel rhythm we can build into discipline with our kids. When they sin we should guide our children to:
1. Confess sins (ex: “I am sorry I disobeyed mommy”)
2. Acknowledge Jesus (ex.: “Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins”)
3. Help me Jesus (ex: “Please help me obey mommy in the future”).
Rigney notes that it is important to have “Some manifest communication signaling that fellowship has been restored-think parable of the prodigal son and the father. When the prodigal comes home we throw parties. We would have a quick tickle fight but signal this somehow clearly to your kids.” Beautiful. Biblical. God honoring. Rigney notes “The rod is designed to drive you to restored fellowship” and indeed this is what our gracious Heavenly Father does and we should also do to God’s glory.
Three Questions I Ask My Kids in Family Worship by Joel Webbon
I could not find the clip but in another place Webbon also helpfully suggests (this is a paraphrase mind you), “Do not have a million rules you arbitrarily enforce at home. Have only like three rules you consistently enforce at home with kids.”
While these three of course could be improved on let me give an example in light of Webbon’s suggest. In the Myers home you will hear often: Kids, glorify God by 1. honoring and obeying mom and dad right away all the way without complaining or whining” and 2. Be kind to one another by asking would I want this done to me? 3. Serving each other-Myers serve others!
Our brother Chris and sister Liz M. had a helpful line I have tried to add in our home (and Chris and Liz forgive and/or correct me if I get this wrong but it was something like): “Obey mom and dad right away with a happy heart” (or “with a smile” or “joyfully” but you get the idea! It’s positive as opposed to the “without complaining or whining” and I think it is stronger and better!). Let’s keep sharing ideas of what we are doing and encouraging and praying for one another. If you are not in this season yet or are passed this season, pray for the young parents of our church (and others beyond our church) encouraging them in this good God-honoring endeavor!
Brothers and sisters one final and personal note: My family went to church all the time growing up. Wonderful memories were made around and with the church. And outside of our regular Lord’s Day gatherings, I recall my dad and mom on a number of occasions sitting my siblings and I down to intentional apologize to our family for wrongs that had been committed. I remember on many occasions when my dad and my mom would pray with us and read God’s Word to us and ask us what we learned at church or school or that day. They talked to us about Jesus and His work. We must be people of the book and increasingly in my life I praise God for this unearned kindness of God’s love in having a father and mother who knew and believed this and who modeled faithfully what it looks like. Praise God for my Dad’s bible memory rings and men’s bible study groups-his service as an elder at our church growing up and my mom’s prayer closet, her bible study women’s fellowship groups. And for both of their underlinings in solid Christian books with their handwritten notes in the margin. These are all gifts that keep on giving and serve as an added motivation to Kaiti and me with our own children to this very day. Keep being faithful and pressing on—your labor in the Lord is never in vain.
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord. - 1 Corinthians 15:58
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of discipline will remove it far from him. - Proverbs 22:15
Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6
My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord or loathe his reproof, For whom the Lord loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. - Proverbs 3:11-12
“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.“You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. - Deut 6:6-9